You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
