Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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