what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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