She said her name was "party"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
