nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
