i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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