I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
