You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
