your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
