Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
