So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
