you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
