so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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