It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize