So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
