You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
