The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
