I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
