dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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