gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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