your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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