I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
