I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
