god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
