I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
