Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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