Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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