good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
