His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize