Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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