The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
