Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
