if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
