We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
