Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
