I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize