Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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