i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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