Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
