how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He passed out mid-signature
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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