I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
