i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
