This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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