no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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