Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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