Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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