someone threw a dead crab at me
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
