that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
