Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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