my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
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