Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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