Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
