I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
