you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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