You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
