Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Randomize
