shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize