no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Randomize
