Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
