I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
