you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
