so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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