I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
im six kinds of drunk right now
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
